Heat Vampires and Guy Movies made easy

In the interests of fostering positive male-female relations, I present the following theories on the secret workings of both men and women. To be fair, I have made a completely subjective and in no way scientific theory about women, and then made an overly simplified and comical interpretation of the male mind as well.


The Heat Vampire (ie the Female)

Every guy who has ever spent a night in the same bed as a girl has experienced the Heat Vampire. The premise of this theory is simple: Women are Heat Vampires, Men are food.

Much like a normal Vampire must consume the blood of the living for sustenance, the Heat Vampire must consume the warmth offered by warm-blooded males.

I offer the following as proof: A man and a woman go to bed and invariably the male is quite comfortable while the female complains of cold feet, hands, or whatever else can be used to torment her male companion. The male, being a protector, offers to share his warmth with the female and soon the two are fast asleep.

At 2am the male awakes to find that all his warmth has been stolen by the Heat Vampire cocooned in a roll of blankets beside him. The female is sated by the heat and a smile can usually be seen on her face as she sleeps contentedly in her silken lair.

Some of you may disagree with this theory. Those same some of you are probably women. The men among you are nodding sagely because let's face it, have you ever woken up freezing cold at 2am when you weren't beside a girl?

Guy Movie Ratings - made easy

Guys rate movies based on 5 key criteria.

1 Car chases
2 Attractive Naked Women
3 Explosions/Pyrotechnics
4 Cool Technology/Gadgets
5 Aliens/Ninjas/Monkeys/Pirates

If a movie contains all five of these criteria, it rates 5/5. If it contains none of these, like most "chick flicks", then men can usually be found snoring beside the girl who forced us to go.

Each category is scored out of 1, but a movie with an especially strong entry in a certain field may be awarded an extra 1/2 point in that category. Likewise, a movie that doesn't meet the full 1 point criteria may be awarded a 1/2 mark if it meets some of the criteria.

As an example, I offer the following review of Gone in 60 seconds

Car chases: 1/1 + 0.5
This movie goes over the top and gets the extra half point for containing one of the coolest car chase scenes in recent memory.

Attractive Naked Women: 0.5/1
Let's face it, Angelina Jolie wasn't naked but she still earns that half point.

Explosions/Pyrotechnics: 1/1
Sphinx blew up a few cars and the chases resulted in lots of crashed police vehicles (including one that went through a wall) to make this a solid one point performance.

Cool Technology/Gadgets: 1/1
Four words: Eleanor, Go Baby Go.

Aliens: 0/1
Unfortunately the producers didn't see fit to include Ninjas, Monkeys, Aliens, OR Pirates in the theatre release. I'm still hoping for a Special Edition.

So there you have it, ask any guy and he'll probably tell you that Gone in 60 was a great movie. In this easy to use rating system, Gone in 60 scored a solid 4 out of 5 stars!

Chris

As advertised

Okay, so I said I would post some pictures and I'm not one to dissappoint, right boys?

Although we had some nice temperatures, we did get our share of crappy weather:
We did see some sunshine too, and here's the smaller of the two fish that I caught. I guess we're allowed to keep smaller fish since it's considered survival fishing:
We lit up our signal fires, man did they make a ton of smoke! Good for warming up after they've stopped smoking too:
Firing off the flares was one of the more fun parts:
Right then, back to normal life and slandering Jack and Chris. Oops, a little redundant....

cheers,
Dave

Shhh! The bears are all asleep...

It seems I'm a little bit late here...at least I have a decent excuse.

It's not a terrible one like my dog ate my homework or some nonsense like that. For starters I don't own a dog, but my room mate has two cats. Two little furballs of terror, not unlike Jack in his younger years, that claw at all sorts of things including your fingers and shoe laces when you're in a rush trying not to be late for work.

It's not a great excuse like I was attacked by a hungry bear and I had to fend it off with nothing but a pocket knife. Although come to think of it at a different time of year that might have been possible. Unfortunately the bears are sleeping. I did see some mule deer, and I definitely heard the coyotes down on the lake when I went to bed last night...bloody racket they make, I guess they couldn't hear me yelling at them to sod off. Wankers.

It is nice to be back home though after my winter exposure training (because calling it survival is a bit of a stretch). The weather was a balmy -10 to +3 or so over the past two days so it wasn't what you might call cold, which is fine by me! I managed to build a nice cozy shelter out of part of a parachute with a nice bed made from boughs. It was quite comfy actually. I made a signal fire that would do any SARtech proud I think, and I managed to catch a couple fish through a hole in the ice. Not bad for a couple of days out in the bush! My wingman took some pics on his digital cam, so I'll have some visuals to share in the next day or so.

cheers,
Dave

Crikey!

The elusive Chris is a sneaky little bugga! It's virtually impossible to get a straight-on picture of this critter, you've gotta be mighty quick if you want to even get a part of him in a frame!


Alright we've all got less than flattering pictures up here now... I'm sure eventually we'll reveal our true identities instead of just presenting our mild mannered alter ego's to the awaiting public...

eventually....

-J.

Turnabout is fair play...

This is Jack. I'd make fun of him, but seriously, would you want this guy coming after you?

Kinda looks like an angry gerbil.

The One.. The ONLY!

DAVE!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, introducing the 3rd Musketeer!
Dave is a Virgo and likes long walks on the beach, sunsets, holding hands, and fruity drinks. But don't let the soft exterior fool you kids, inside he's a jet-flyin scooby-drivin hard-assed son of a gun! (n.b. his father is not actually a firearm)

But really, all joking aside... Dave can't retaliate until Wednesday night at the earliest... this is our chance to make fun of him with impunity until then! If only my damn name wasn't attached to this post he'd never be the wiser!

-J.

S words for 800

This is my first post, so I won't slander anyone more than they deserve. Also, Dave is on survival until Wednesday so he can't retaliate right away. Just figured I'd say hi to Jack.

Hi Jack.

And also to Dave. Who shall henceforth be referred to as the Running Man.

. That'll do pig, that'll do.

Chris

how the URL came to be...

So there we were, deciding to create a blog-type-forum in which we can make fun of each other and allow other people to revel in the insanity that traditionally had been confined to the dark corners of a Tim Hortons late at night. Naming the Blog was easy, but then we had to create the URL.... Who's name should go first?
There was a massive power struggle at first, clearly with Me overpowering (and outweighing) Dave and Chris combined, but Chris being so damn wiry (pronounced wierrrrry) and Dave being really good at running away this soon became a futile battle. I suggested combat on the ancient field of battle known as a squash court, but then Dave tried to make me promise to only use my left hand and Chris kept trying to swing it like a Kendo stick. Once again we were at a stalemate.
After eons of titanic struggle, we finally came to an acceptable compromise.

Basically..... it's in alphabetical order.

So yeah, welcome to yet another rambling Blog... a place where we shall endeavour to enlighten and frighten you, educate and confuse, pique your interest and disgust you, likely all in the same post.

Cheers!

-J.