Ponderings of Coffee Addicts

VOTE!

2008-10-10T07:46:00.001-07:00

No, this isn't going to be a rant about Conservative vs. Liberal or whatnot.

This is FAR more important!

Vote for theme #1 HERE so we can have a great, unique song to listen to on Saturday Night!

Spare the pity vote for the 13 year old kid. Theme #2 sounds like any other generic sports show song out there.

Vote for Colin Oberst!

Practice Peeing Pleasure!

2008-04-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, those crazy germophobic Japanese have come up with another way to teach their young proper pubic restroom etiquette. Comes with handy attachment for women who may not know how to hold one!

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/superpiipii.html

Funny!

2008-03-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was linked to this video, and I have to say, it's one of the better "I'm a pilot" videos I've seen so far. It contains some of my very favourite subjects: Helicopters, women with accents, and making fun of Jet Pilots! The song's catchy too!

Watch the YouTube link here.

-J.

P.S. Dave, don't ask me for a 10 figure grid for my house OK? Wait... do you even know what a grid is? :p

Oh the Horror

2008-01-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

Gasp, Shock, Terror!
Someone is actually posting something?!

I saw this and it's a great time waster, but it's also a neat spatial exercise. Take a look!

http://www.addictinggames.com/untangle.html

No respect.

2007-05-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

I saw this magnet on the back of a car today. I got angry and it took me a minute to realize why.

Respect.

I don't care whether someone wants to express their views on Canada's involvement in Afganistan, but breaking the symbolic yellow ribbon to do it strikes me as completely heartless.

The yellow ribbon (as far as I could google) doesn't have a long history. The ribbon is a symbol of hope used in the US and Canada and while it has only been around for about 20 years, it's everywhere you look in any military town. The yellow ribbons are tied in the hopes that loved ones will be safe in a combat zone, and that they'll do their jobs and come home to their families.

Don Cherry put it best so I'll paraphrase him:
"I don't care whether you support the war, but you'd damn well better support our troops."

By breaking the ribbon, even symbolically, you're breaking faith with the people I know over in Afganistan right now. You're disrespecting my friends who are putting their lives on the line because the government we all elected decided that Canada has a responsibility over there.

Not on.

Chris

Roving Reporter

2007-05-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

So here I am in the middle of the Wainwright training area. No paved roads for kilometers, no wireless internet, and I actually have to SHARE a tent with people! I feel so abused.... actually I'm full of shit. For living in the field, this is pretty pimp.
Damn I love the Air Force!
Truly we've got it good out here. We've got large modular tents (mod-tents) with plenty of head room, they're also heated and have lights and power for us to recharge our cellphones (yes, there's digital coverage) and laptops. There are hot showers which we can take advantage of every day, we've got a skilled kitchen crew who feed us extremely well, and somehow they hooked up public internet computers as well.
The mantra I kept hearing while packing for this exercise was "Any idiot can be uncomfortable in the field". It's quite impressive what some people have come up with to make their stay just that much more comfortable. 4" thick foam mattresses, makeshift headboards for the cots, bamboo carpets under the cot so you don't get cold feet in the morning, folding lawn chairs and other things like that. I'll try to get a picture of my setup later once I figure out how to upload onto these compy's.
For now I'm doing maintenance ground runs and tomorrow I'll be doing my first shift as a CASEVAC first officer. Hurray, validation for years of training!

Reporting from the field,

-J.

What do women want?

2007-04-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

This past week I read a book and sent a copy to Dave in case he found it interesting. I won't go into detail about the book, but the basic philosophy is that women don't want to be approached by a nice guy who does what every other nice guy does. Women really do go for the jerks, but not in the way you think.

While I won't suggest that everything the author has written is "the gospel" regarding women, it's surprising how much of what he wrote resonated with my personal experiences. It gave me a rational explanation why some girls in my past have run from me faster than Dave running away from you-know-who... and why other girls (often the attached ones) have seemed way too easy to befriend and attract. The reason it's so compelling to me is that I'm a people watcher and he doesn't contradict any of the things I discovered by trial and error.

He even talks about some tricks it took me 30 years to figure out on my own.

Long story short it's given me a bit more confidence and convinced me to fake it 'till I make it. I figure I'll start doing a bit of weight training in hopes that someday my metabolism will change and allow me to put on some muscle mass. If nothing else there might be a cutie at the gym!

Chris

It's about time

2007-04-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you say? Yes, yes you would. Well Jack does at least. Frequently.

Speaking of time, if I was to ask you to name the most famous piece of classical music from the18th century - or better yet even of all time - what song would you name? I'll bet there would be a ton of votes for things like Vivaldi's Spring, or Beethoven's 5th symphony. I have to clarify that by famous I don't necessarily mean the best, or the most acclaimed - I simply mean the most recognized, the most familiar. The good Lord knows it should be with the same chord progression repeated 54 bloody times (thank you Rob Paravonian for counting.) Don't get me wrong I quite like this piece and I make sure that I don't listen to it too often because it is slightly repetitive. That's right, it's Pachelbel's Canon in D.

check out the 'original one-hit-wonder' with comedian Rob Paravonian, and even if you're not a music nerd like I am you'll at least get a good laugh.

cheers,
Dave

New Stuff...

2007-03-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

So our buddy Denis (yes, it only has one 'n'... freak) finally went and got himself caught up with the rest of society. He's got a blog to which you can find a link in our 'Stuff We Like' sidebar!

Edmonton Drivers

2007-03-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

I know there was a point on my original blog when I tried to argue that this wouldn't become a forum for rants. That point has since faded into an obscurity so..... obscure that it is no longer recognizable.
I recently had an altercation if you will while traveling to work. Yes, I was behind time (not quite late yet). Yes, I learned how to drive in Toronto. No, I don't think I drive like an asshole. With those caveats out of the way, let me explain my biggest complaint as succinctly as possible. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BLIND SPOT. It's not safe, it doesn't serve any purpose other than to make me uncomfortable, and it really honestly and truly pisses me off. It also tends to initiate an uncontrollable extension of my middle digit in the general direction of said perpetrator. I'd like to believe that I'm able to maintain my chosen speed within a 5km/h window. I'd also like to believe that other drivers are both conscious of their own speed and also able to control it with some degree of accuracy. Events have proven me wrong on both counts.
Chris noted that while driving in Winnipeg, very few drivers actually know what speed they are going. They only know whether or not they are passing, being passed, or happily hanging beside someone else. I think this same mentality has leeched over to Edmonton. In its slow, blue-hair-and-knuckles trek across the prairies, it has somehow morphed into a creature not entirely unlike fat ignorant people.
I usually drive about 10km/h over the speed limit. I do this consciously, intentionally, and as accurately as my faculties allow. Why, oh why, when I am passing someone in the right lane do they then come to the realisation that at that very instant they too might also be able to flaunt the laws and travel at approximately my speed? Why do they wait until they're in line with my rear bumper to do so? Why do they sit there despite my now varying speed? I've tried accelerating. They match. I've tried decelerating, they do so as well. Oddly, I've made these movements even more aggressive lately and I find that they seek out that same point in my blindspot!! I've gone so far as to accelerate rapidly, move into their lane and then return to my comfortable 10km/h over the limit, only to have them change lanes, catch up, and sit in my OTHER FUCKING BLIND SPOT!
Anger.
So back to the aforementioned altercation. I was on my way to work, trying to weave my way through Blind Spot Sitters, Slow Accelerators, and mixed in with this a liberal assortment of "I drive a bigass truck so it's my right to sit on your bumper" pricks. I can clearly see under those trucks anyway. I was signaling left to change lanes to get around a slow accelerator, when someone about 25m back in the left lane suddenly saw an unoccupied blind spot and moved to fill it. Mine. WHILE SIGNALING. Because that's how they drive here in Edmonton folks, didn't you know? This deliberate movement served to block my pass, as I am not going to trade paint with people on the way to work. Rubbin' ain't commuting. That uncontrollable twitch in my middle digit happened again, and the blocker noticed this movement and looked over, seeing me in uniform. With a dumbfounded shrug of the shoulders intended (I think) to indicate his complete lack of understanding, he backed off and allowed the pass. I took the opportunity to get around the slow accelerator and continued on my way.
Perhaps this was a sign of respect to the uniform, perhaps it was just a random event. Either way, the event (not me being in uniform of course) happens almost daily. On almost every trip I take in my car. This only serves to make the twitch more prolonged and easier to trigger.
If you're driving in Edmonton, and you're fat dumb and happy sitting in someone's blind spot, and you see them either accelerate and change lanes, or hit the brakes and fall back, look at the driver. They're probably giving you a sign that you shouldn't be where you were.
They are probably me.

-J.

Rick Mercer for Prime Minister!

2007-01-31T20:57:00.000-08:00

God I love Newfies!

Why do I love Newfies?
They know how to throw a good party (screech and cod-kissing).
They know how to run a damn fine race (Newfoundland Targa).
They don't like you when you make stupid comments about their friends (see above article).

I've been searching for a cohesive argument when faced with the all too common belief from many of my friends that what we (the CF) are doing in Afghanistan isn't worth while or won't benefit us. (yes, they're still my friends even when they disagree with me!) I've often struggled to find the words to describe what we're doing in terms that someone without any military background could understand. Rick Mercer really should run for Prime Minister. I'd like to see Stepan Dion try his style of political grandstanding against someone with the wit of Mr. Mercer. I wonder if he's bilingual?

Come to think of it, a newfie accent would sound hilarious in french!

-J.

You learn something new every day...

2007-01-15T22:21:00.000-08:00

Now first I should begin by thanking Jack and Heather for the excellent party they threw at their place in Edmonton Saturday night. It was, as always, pretty epic! If you missed it, then you may need to drag your butts to Cold Lake for round two in February before I move out East.

Secondly, and much more pertinent to Chris' post below, let this be a lesson to all of you: Don't leave yourself signed in to msn when you're at a party. Have I learned my lesson? Probably not, but then it wouldn't be as funny if I had, now would it? And that's all I have to say about that.

Incidentaly, the next time you talk to Jack, ask him how much Gin he drank, and then ask him how well he felt in the morning...

cheers,
Dave

Cat's out of the bag eh Dave?

2007-01-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

As anyone who has Dave on MSN can attest, this morning he decided to come out of the closet.

Who knew?

Just to let you know Dave, we'll all still be your friend. We just won't ever use group showers with you EVER again.

-C

In case some of you don't read slashdot...

2006-11-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

I know you've seen Aliens.

I know you thought the sentry guns were cool.

I know you've seen Robocop.
You remember what happened with ED-209

Still, these are cool in a scary as hell kinda way:

Careful what you wish for...

2006-11-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

Many of you know of my utter contempt and disgust at the Mac VS PC commercials. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

Well according to this it's all coming to an end, at least in the current incarnation.

Good thing I didn't wish him dead.

Once again this proves that my bitching gets me what I want.

:)

A promise is a promise

2006-11-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

[edit; for a couple reasons I took the picture away, but go check out his website!]

A while ago I said I would get some night pictures of afterburners lit up, and I kinda never got it done - until now. This is a pretty sweet picture taken by a photographer that was contracted by the film company that is producing a documentary. They have some more awesome photos - not that are releasable at the moment, something about not being finished production... Anyhow, now to answer Chris' 007 questions.

First of all, everyone knows that Sean Connery was the best James Bond ever. Period. And no englishman will ever be able to change that. (now that I make such an absurdly grand generalisation watch as movie critics the world over tout Daniel Craig as the best Bond ever...damn you karma, damn you all to hell!!!)

As for the worst, I think we all know Tomothy Dalton should never have made that cut. Enough said.

The hottest bond girl? Holy crap man, all I can think about is the legions of scantily clad women lounging around a swimming pool in Octopussy - I have to pick a favourite? But seriously, if I was ever going to learn Danish it would be from Cecilie Thomsen. Look, you never specified whether their contribution to the empire had to have anything to do with the choice.

Cheesiest line eh? Everyone knows that the movies are FULL of them, and there are some really, really bad ones. "I'm invincible!" isn't really cheesy so much as it's annoying and makes me want to kill him before the damn pen ever will. But how about this one from A View to a Kill: "I love an early morning ride." to which Bond replies "I'm an early riser myself."

That guy always has the coolest gadgets, and I have to agree with Mike's comment about all of the early gadgets. While I dearly love anything Aston Martin in these films, my favourite Bond gadget has to be the 007 wrist watch. That thing has been able to do a lot of things over the years, and just think of the bedroom tables it has graced...

Lastly, is Daniel Craig going to steal the role? I'll let you know my opinion after I see Casino Royale. I heard a lot of nasty things about him (someone said he couldn't drive stick? that's gotta be just a nasty rumour, right?), but I've also heard that he's a pretty good actor so I reserve judgment since his patsy role in Tomb Raider was just that, and I never saw Layer Cake.

cheers,
Dave

Bond, James Bond

2006-11-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the deal. The newest 007 movie is coming out November 17th, and the Bond movies have been re-released by MGM. Those of you who know me pretty well know that I've been predicting this for a while, and that the price will be sky-high for the boxed sets. You'll also know that I'm going to buy them anyhow.

That being said, I think it's time for some Q&A with our intrepid readership, which may or may not consist solely of Mike Houston.

Jack, Dave, I expect responses from you two as well!

1. Who was the best Bond, James Bond?

2. Who was the worst 007?

3. Who was the hottest Bond girl ever? Back up your opinion with a pic!

4. What's the cheesiest Bond line?

5. What's the coolest contraption ever created by Q (or R)

And finally,

6. Is Daniel Craig the next Sean Connery, or the next Timothy Dalton?

Because everyone loves religious propaganda...

2006-11-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm working nights tonight, and at 1pm I get this ring at the door. Lo, and behold! It's your friendly neighbourhood Jehova's Witnesses! And here is their cheery message:

Oh good! My girlfriend (whom I live with) and I have been looking for the next best religious group to send money to.
No really.

I propose a change, send ME money, I'll forgive you for your sins. Heck, I'll even help you commit some of those sins for the right price! Sound good? I certainly think so.

-J.

Trumped, one might say

2006-10-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's my own fault that I didn't post about my trip to LA a month ago. Besides, Vegas is way better. Coming from a guy who has yet to actually visit the place this is saying...well not a whole lot other than I want to go there. Besides LA was just like every other city - you know, besides the walk of fame, Chinese theatre, Venice beach, ginormous homes in Bel Air, Mulholland Drive, and lets not forget a gigantic sign that says Hollywood. Yeah. Normal. Chris, your picture is better than mine I have to say. I like the theme though, I have to say I am definitely a fan.

Don't get me wrong, LA was a blast. But I had kind of looked forward to that which has become a bit of an obscure cult phenomenon - the WitchDoctor. I'll just leave it at that. I doubt that a night approach into Vegas into clouds would be quite as emotional as a the same into LAX, but I say that only after having experienced a certain amount of 'excitement' at the latter.

It was awesome to spend time on a big beach, breathe some ocean air, and hang out in a big city for a weekend. Definitely time well spent!

I just got back from Red Deer actually, where I spent a great weekend catching up with one of my best friends. Now, I would post some pictures from this weekend, but a certain devil animal chewed through my camera's USB cable. Sometimes I like the little guy, and others.... I'd rather have a dog, but it belongs to my room mate. Jack, what's your opinion on these things again?

Alright, that's it for now. Maybe I can borrow one of those cables from someone at work.....

Cheers,
Dave

We had to go through KRAP to get to Las Vegas

2006-10-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

That's right, Rapid City is KRAP. Las Vegas is KLAS. Apparently they're big on irony.

Well the trip was awesome. We landed at 2pm Vegas time on Thursday, and left the hotel at 8am on Saturday. We spent less than 48 hours in Vegas but we packed in a week of entertainment.

During my 42 hours in Vegas I slept only 8. 2 the first night, and a long 6 the second because I had to navigate on the way home.

I can't begin to describe everything we did, so I'll stick to the big stuff:

Watched the water show at the Bellagio
Shark Reef at the Mandalay Bay
Cirque du Soleil: KA
Walked every inch of the strip several times, and at all hours of the day
Did the rides at the top of the Stratosphere at night

That's all I can think of for now. There was so much more but those were the major attractions. I'll only post one picture but Denis took a bunch and I have videos if anyone wants to check out some of the sights.

Even better, in 42 hours I actually got a tan.

Dave, Jack, I just upped the ante.

Chris

Vegas Baby Yeeeah

2006-10-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I head for Vegas. Awesome. That is all.
Actually that's not all, but I'll comment more about the Vegas trip once I'm back.

Here's a list of five life-altering events that have occured since last I posted on the site:

1. Phase 2 is over and just one phase to go. Unfortunately the bright spot at the end of the tunnel isn't the landing gear of an Alpha.

2. I own a really solid and expansive bed, covered with a comforter that feels like suede. Unfortunately it hasn't changed the fact that I'm still the only one sleeping in it.

3. Jeff's 7 year old daughter reminded me of the fact that despite having an awesome bed, I'm still the only one sleeping in it. "ah-burn"

4. I'm about to whip somebody's ass. (keywords: goose whipass)

5. The super WAC is neither super nor whack. Discuss.

Chris

Goodbye, old friend

2006-10-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

NO nobody died. At least, nobody I know of.

I'm canning my original blog, "Jack's Blog at The End of The Universe". Why? Becase even with 3 people allegedly posting on THIS one, it still doesn't get enough action. So my trying to post on 2 (ignore the fact that it's been months since I posted) ain't gonna float.

I think I'm actually going to miss my indoctrination into the world of blogging. Originally started as a way to expound my views upon an unsuspecting public, it gradually turned into an update of my life. Occasionally my posts would simply be an exercise in grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, and proper sentence structure.
Now the old girl has slipped into mediocrity. I'm sure no one has an RSS feed linked to it any more, nor would they really feel bad when it moves on in the great ether of the net. Happily I can still make such geek references and a few friends might get a chuckle out of that!

SO enough reminiscing, and on to the show!
My trophy girlfriend and I bought a house in Edmonton! It's a nice little place with lots of floorspace for friends, family, associates, acquaintances, and other associated things to crash on when they some into town. We specifically picked it with that in mind, so don't be afraid, come visit, we don't bite (often).
Unfortunately her furball is coming with her. No matter how hard I try I can't get away from cats! I moved out of my parents house in university, and then mere months later my new roommate gets a cat. I run away and join the military, and then my girlfriend gets a cat! I try to move across the country and she brings the damn thing with her! Ah well, I'll be getting a dog eventually. One that will likely be terrified of that little orange critter.

The military shipping system has once again reared its ugly head, I'm sure some people have already heard about the trials I have encountered when trying to get my furniture shipped from Toronto, but here it is in again the Readers Digest version. Heather and I paid for a second pickup of her crap. Her crap was the ONLY crap shipped out and my crap was still in storage because the manager is a knob. It took another WEEK for my crap to get on a truck and start coming out here. Now here's the latest info on that wonderfulness. My crap is BACK in storage (in Edmonton this time) and I can't get to it for 3 days because "that's how it works". All I want is my desk and my desk chair, is that too much to ask?

Grahambo, (name blurred to protect the innocent) one of the few from high school who isn't hiding on the other side of the world, will be staying here for a few days while he gets trained up to be a roughneck. He's tiny, but he's wiry. Should be entertaining at least!

-J.

Did someone say porn?

2006-08-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

Right then, about this blog thing.... Apparently there's been some neglect here. I maintain that I have a perfectly good excuse. So does Chris for that matter. Being on course tends to make a good dent in your spare time. Especially when you start behind schedule. But I digress...

I'm afraid I lied, there's no porn in this post. Just a picture explaining what I've been doing for the past month and a bit, and why I haven't posted.
So yeah, I've been a little busy :) But I promise now that things are slightly less busy to post more often.....or something. Yeah, screw promising. Let me tell ya, a full afterburner takeoff and climb is something to behold. You blink a couple times and poof, you're already at 30,000ft. Then you fly away from the city a bit and go full burner again, push the nose over (only because we're impatient and we want to go faster sooner) and bust through Mach. That was a nice way to finish a Wednesday afternoon at the office...

Okay, night flying is fun, but pretty exhausting at the same time. I'm trying to get a good night photo of the jet in full burner - that's an awesome sight!

cheers,
Dave

Found Automotive Porn

2006-07-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

Since I'm apparently the only one who actually has fun posting on the site, here's a small update.... My buddy Brad sent me these links to some pretty wild videos. Enjoy!!

Range Rover vs. British Battle Tank

Middle Age Crisis car

P.S. Chris and Dave, where the hell are ya? :p

Just because Dave is on a really cool course and Chris is in classes all day doesn't mean you don't have ANY spare time!
I mean come on, I'm only a week and a half from getting my wings and look at what I'm spending my time doing!

Wait... is that a bad thing?

-J.

And in a fit of generosity....

2006-06-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Dave and Chris, you now have administrator priviledges on the site :)

You must go out into the forest and return with...

2006-06-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

A Shrubbery!!.........No not that kind of bush...
.....This kind of shrubbery!! Yes, it was a silly time in Winnipeg on Friday night.

Somehow it became a good idea to jump on my bed when we finally transported the newly named "Jeremiah Weed" home to Portage.

Pretty standard really.

-J.

Now, how hard was that?

2006-04-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

Right then, fitting that my first post in a while has a good story don't you think? Last week I took a little trip to DRDC Toronto - and I mean little, I flew in Tuesday and out again Thursday! All this for my high-G course. Jet folks in our air force get to look forward to spending some time getting up close and personal with this baby:I'm sure you've heard stories of this kind of training, or seen it on TV or something. Let me tell you something; it's every bit as difficult as it looks! There is nothing natural about having your body accelerated to more than 6 times the normal force of gravity. In fact a lot of people end up looking like this:So that's how not to do it, but this is what it looks like when you do it right:You see, what I'm doing in this picture (besides looking really funny) is tensing all the muscles from my toes up to my chest. Then I take a big breath and push hard for two seconds before exchanging as much air as I can. I didn't need to go to the gym that day, I was tired enough after I stepped out of that giant torture device...

The best part of that Toronto trip was going out drinking with some of the boys afterwards. I got to see video of a little RC Hummer with a rocket strapped to it make some nice fireworks. (This is what Thys was doing while Lorne and I were drinking and watching hockey waiting for him to get to the hotel!) More drinking ensued, followed by going to some bars. Even better than the bar was the pizza place afterwards - we watched a hooker pick up these two suits, then this girl kept slapping some poor dude (he might have deserved it, who can say?) and we got to know said girl's friends. Unfortunately that's where the story ends - I got a couple hours of sleep then hopped a plane back West. Congrats to my bro who just a got a promotion up to First Officer flying B727's!

Standby for further, Maple Flag is just around the corner.....

cheers,
Dave

absolutely brilliant

2006-04-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, I've started flying the Jet Ranger in Portage La Prairie. DAMN I'm cool! hehe.
I'm at the point now after 5 flights that I can start, takeoff, hover, taxi, and transition to flight without the instructor having to take control. I'm not claiming that its pretty, but it gets the job done!
I was talking to Dave, who just came back from his G-course in Toronto (more on that later), and he asks me "how hard is it to hover". An innocent enough question obviously, to which I begin a lengthy reply intended to make the future-fighter pilot realise that flying a helicopter is clearly far more demanding than pushing a noisy-stick forward and yanking on some controls.
The following is taken directly from the MSN conversation, no animals were harmed in the making of this post.

Dave says:
how's course going?
Jack - Portage says:
good, it's challenging flying man, MAJOR hands and feet
Dave says:
I'm sure! you must be enjoying it then?
Jack - Portage says:
yeah!!
Dave says:
hehe, as if I had to ask....
Dave says:
how hard is it to hover?
Jack - Portage says:
think of something that constantly wants to roll over on its back and put you in the ground
Dave says:
my ex?
Jack - Portage says:
now think about trying to fly something like that with numb controls, there is no feedback, there is no centering spring
Jack - Portage says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dave says:
no really, she wanted to kill me a couple weeks ago
Jack - Portage says:
oh god that quote is going on the site

So there it is ladies and gentlemen! It's been far too long since a fresh post appeared on this page. Dave, Chris, sort your shit out!!

-J.

More Traveling Woes

2006-03-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

Alright Calgary, this one's for you!

SOMEBODY DESTRY THOSE STUPID MERRY-GO-ROUNDS!!

For those who don't know, the Calgary airport has these two quaint yet gigantic wind-up merry-go-round kind of things in the WestJet end of the terminal. It's actually quite ingenious, they've got airplanes hanging from them, the propellers spin when it goes 'round, and they're powered by little children. Not in the slave labour sense mind you, but there are these big shiny silver-ish keys that one can spin and create a joyous clickity-clickity sound, and then the little toys will go round and round much to the merriment of anyone under the age of 12 or 4 feet.
Now, I'm all for keeping children occupied in airport terminals so that they don't go tearing around screaming their fool head's off and driving everyone else nuts. However, consider this: It's 11pm Calgary time, I'm three hours into a four and a half hour layover, I just found out that the plane is going to be an extra 15 minutes late. I've been up since 6:30am Comox time, I'm tired.

It's this clickity-clickity thing that I take issue with. One person lets their brat spin the key, and of course the little bugger has to crank the damn thing for ten minues, hoping that their exuberance will cause the spinning toys to spin so fast that they'll fly off and decapitate someone. When they give up and realise that somehow the toys aren't going to get lodged in their little sisters noggin, some other little bastard thinks "Hey, I bet if I crank that fucking thing for another 20 minutes, I could break it!" clickity-clickity-clickity-clickity-clickity....inevitable failure to destroy, repeat with next little rugh rat, clickity-clickity-clickity-clickity... Aparently the engineer who created this thing already thought of this scenario and more than adequately prepared for it. Are you starting to get the picture, dear reader?
Clickity-clickity-clickity... I'm trying to grab a few precious minutes of sleep sprawled out on insanely uncomfortable seats. Clickity-clickity-clickity... I'm learning the true meaning of a "red-eye" flight. I'm getting ready to guard those keys so everyone else can get some sleep, or tear them off myself. I don't know how the ticket agents have maintained their sanity after days of this clickity-shit.

No matter how far down the hall you go, you can still hear it echoing through the mostly empty terminal. I can't even buy anything from the Duty Free because I'm not an "international" traveler. Come on now, Alberta is a great country!

I have 3 recommendations that have come out of this experience:
1: Parents, control your little bastards and consider the sanity of other people who may not be accustomed to taking naps with shrieking children running around.
2: Calgary Airport, break those damn merry-go-round's or just power them electrically, to be started with a simple, silent BUTTON
3: WestJet, yes you're cheap and that's why I'm going to fly with you again, but please for the love of pete, get an airplane I can actually FIT in!

guh... I'll tell everyone about Sourdough when I get to Moose Jaw and have some spare time and pictures to upload.

Purely out of spite

2006-02-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

That's right... A certain skinny someone... oh wait I've got to be more specific than that... CHRIS has been harping on me to do a movie review so here goes.

TOP GUN, BITCHES!

That's right, we're going to apply Chris' movie rating system to the penultimate pilot movie.

1. Car chases: While not a car chase per se, I believe the air-to-air sequences can qualify under this category. There is a scene where a Tom Cruise look-alike tries to drag race an F-14... fool. I think solely for the fact that they tried to pawn off F-5's as Russian Migs, I'm going to subtract .25 and give this category a 0.75/1

2. Attractive Naked Women: Kelly McGillis never actually gets naked, and the sole sex scene is quite possibly the worst ever. I think anyone who calls themselves a fan of the movie skips this scene all together. And the glasses in the debriefing room? I think I had a plastic pair like that when I was 6... they once belonged to a clown. Her callsign is Charlie. 0.5/1
Sidenote: now if they had included some hot make-up lesbian action between Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan... THAT would have been a 1/1!

3. Explosions/Pyrotechnics: Plenty. So many in fact that the scenes have been blatantly plagarised in recent TV movies and TV series. Imitation being the highest form of flattery, I'm giving this a 1.5/1

4. Cool Technology/Gadgets: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the F-14. Big, bad, fast. Not to mention being launched off of a nuclear aircraft carrier. A solid 1/1

5. Aliens/Ninjas/Monkey's/Pirates: GO NAVY! yarrr... 1/1

So Top gun pans out to a respectable 4.75/5. Not bad for a 30 year old flick!

Chris, are you happy now?

-J.

Okay, I'll do it...

2006-02-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, I give. A certain person (cough) has been bugging me to write a movie review, and let's face it, there's not a whole lot else to do around here. The night-life isn't what one would call stellar, right boys? Ref last night; why did we bother again? right, the booze..... anyway, another time.

First I'm going to review the movie my way, then afterwards using Chris' cool guy-oriented rating system. So you can skip to the bottom if you can't be botherd to think about the cast, plot, or writing...

So today I watched The Island (2005), which I thought was an entertaining movie (read: don't think too hard...) That and Scarlett Johansson is not only a good actress, but she's...a good actress! Oh, and so is Ewan McGregor, yeah he did a good job too. Sean Bean plays a great bad guy, as usual - a far cry from his role as Sharpe, but let's be honest here he does that evil man thing really well. I kind of feel bad for Steve Buscemi - dude has good acting skills but he's been type-cast pretty hard core over the years. I guess if you have the money maybe it isn't such a big deal, and besides he does look mighty creepy, wouldn't you say? Loved him in Reservoir Dogs, great movie. Last cast mention goes to Michael Clarke Duncan: if I ever need a gigantic scary lookin black dude I know who I'm calling. He's got a pretty small part though - I guess they wanted the wiry black dude in stead (Djimon Hounsou, looking very serious the whole time >:-| hehe). I thought the cast did a great job, which is pretty standard really but should be said anyway.

Plot Outline: A man (Ewan McGregor) goes on the run after he discovers that he is actually a "harvested being", and is being kept along with others in a utopian facility.

Plot and writing wise it was nothing spectacular. The dialogue was pretty good, and the writing did a decent job of working in the important plot issues at appropriate moments. There was an effort to explore some deeper humanity type stuff, like the inherent evil and selfishness of humans blah blah blah. It was semi-engaging and it at least gives you something deeper to think about if you feel so inclined while cars, helicopters, and other random things are blowing up.

And now for the good stuff. The Island (2005)
1. Car Chases: 1/1 Now there's a couple here, and I think the first (also longer of the two) is way better. Why you ask? Well what's important in a car chase?! Destruction on a fairly large scale usually helps make a chase scene worth watching from a dude's point of view. They trash three or four Magnums, an H3, and then they endo an armoured car, use crazy hover-bikes (total star wars rip-off), blow up helicopters....you get the point.
2. Attractive Naked Women: 0.5/1 Scarlett Johansson is smokin hot, and even though you don't see her naked she's smokin hot so a solid half point there.
3. Explosions/Pyrotechnics: 1/1 See above comment about car chase.
4. Cool Technology/Gadgets: 0.5/1 Nothing crazy new here, and like I say they totally ripped off Star Wars for those neato hover-bike contraptions. I want me one of those harpoon handguns though - ain't nobody getting away from you without losing some flesh if you have one of those babies! It's got a laser sight, it must be cool!
5. Aliens/Ninjas/Monkeys/Pirates: 0/1 Yeah, not much doin here I'm afraid. They could have used ninjas at least. That would have been cool.

This one gets a solid 3/5 stars. Hot actress, but could use some nakedness, less ripping-off of other movies, and ninjas. Good for Saturday afternoon entertainment in small town Alberta though. :)

cheers,
Dave

And now for something completely different

2006-02-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

Here is the total sum of my opinion on the most recent election:

Electing a political party to clean up government corruption is like hiring a burglar to design your new security system.

Don't moan four years from now when you realize that all your valuables have been stolen again.

Chris

Heat Vampires and Guy Movies made easy

2006-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

In the interests of fostering positive male-female relations, I present the following theories on the secret workings of both men and women. To be fair, I have made a completely subjective and in no way scientific theory about women, and then made an overly simplified and comical interpretation of the male mind as well.

The Heat Vampire (ie the Female)

Every guy who has ever spent a night in the same bed as a girl has experienced the Heat Vampire. The premise of this theory is simple: Women are Heat Vampires, Men are food.

Much like a normal Vampire must consume the blood of the living for sustenance, the Heat Vampire must consume the warmth offered by warm-blooded males.

I offer the following as proof: A man and a woman go to bed and invariably the male is quite comfortable while the female complains of cold feet, hands, or whatever else can be used to torment her male companion. The male, being a protector, offers to share his warmth with the female and soon the two are fast asleep.

At 2am the male awakes to find that all his warmth has been stolen by the Heat Vampire cocooned in a roll of blankets beside him. The female is sated by the heat and a smile can usually be seen on her face as she sleeps contentedly in her silken lair.

Some of you may disagree with this theory. Those same some of you are probably women. The men among you are nodding sagely because let's face it, have you ever woken up freezing cold at 2am when you weren't beside a girl?

Guy Movie Ratings - made easy

Guys rate movies based on 5 key criteria.

1 Car chases
2 Attractive Naked Women
3 Explosions/Pyrotechnics
4 Cool Technology/Gadgets
5 Aliens/Ninjas/Monkeys/Pirates

If a movie contains all five of these criteria, it rates 5/5. If it contains none of these, like most "chick flicks", then men can usually be found snoring beside the girl who forced us to go.

Each category is scored out of 1, but a movie with an especially strong entry in a certain field may be awarded an extra 1/2 point in that category. Likewise, a movie that doesn't meet the full 1 point criteria may be awarded a 1/2 mark if it meets some of the criteria.

As an example, I offer the following review of Gone in 60 seconds

Car chases: 1/1 + 0.5
This movie goes over the top and gets the extra half point for containing one of the coolest car chase scenes in recent memory.

Attractive Naked Women: 0.5/1
Let's face it, Angelina Jolie wasn't naked but she still earns that half point.

Explosions/Pyrotechnics: 1/1
Sphinx blew up a few cars and the chases resulted in lots of crashed police vehicles (including one that went through a wall) to make this a solid one point performance.

Cool Technology/Gadgets: 1/1
Four words: Eleanor, Go Baby Go.

Aliens: 0/1
Unfortunately the producers didn't see fit to include Ninjas, Monkeys, Aliens, OR Pirates in the theatre release. I'm still hoping for a Special Edition.

So there you have it, ask any guy and he'll probably tell you that Gone in 60 was a great movie. In this easy to use rating system, Gone in 60 scored a solid 4 out of 5 stars!

Chris

As advertised

2006-01-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I said I would post some pictures and I'm not one to dissappoint, right boys?

Although we had some nice temperatures, we did get our share of crappy weather:
We did see some sunshine too, and here's the smaller of the two fish that I caught. I guess we're allowed to keep smaller fish since it's considered survival fishing:
We lit up our signal fires, man did they make a ton of smoke! Good for warming up after they've stopped smoking too:
Firing off the flares was one of the more fun parts:
Right then, back to normal life and slandering Jack and Chris. Oops, a little redundant....

cheers,
Dave

Shhh! The bears are all asleep...

2006-01-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

It seems I'm a little bit late here...at least I have a decent excuse.

It's not a terrible one like my dog ate my homework or some nonsense like that. For starters I don't own a dog, but my room mate has two cats. Two little furballs of terror, not unlike Jack in his younger years, that claw at all sorts of things including your fingers and shoe laces when you're in a rush trying not to be late for work.

It's not a great excuse like I was attacked by a hungry bear and I had to fend it off with nothing but a pocket knife. Although come to think of it at a different time of year that might have been possible. Unfortunately the bears are sleeping. I did see some mule deer, and I definitely heard the coyotes down on the lake when I went to bed last night...bloody racket they make, I guess they couldn't hear me yelling at them to sod off. Wankers.

It is nice to be back home though after my winter exposure training (because calling it survival is a bit of a stretch). The weather was a balmy -10 to +3 or so over the past two days so it wasn't what you might call cold, which is fine by me! I managed to build a nice cozy shelter out of part of a parachute with a nice bed made from boughs. It was quite comfy actually. I made a signal fire that would do any SARtech proud I think, and I managed to catch a couple fish through a hole in the ice. Not bad for a couple of days out in the bush! My wingman took some pics on his digital cam, so I'll have some visuals to share in the next day or so.

cheers,
Dave

Crikey!

2006-01-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

The elusive Chris is a sneaky little bugga! It's virtually impossible to get a straight-on picture of this critter, you've gotta be mighty quick if you want to even get a part of him in a frame!

Alright we've all got less than flattering pictures up here now... I'm sure eventually we'll reveal our true identities instead of just presenting our mild mannered alter ego's to the awaiting public...

eventually....

-J.

Turnabout is fair play...

2006-01-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

This is Jack. I'd make fun of him, but seriously, would you want this guy coming after you?

Kinda looks like an angry gerbil.

The One.. The ONLY!

2006-01-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

DAVE!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, introducing the 3rd Musketeer!
Dave is a Virgo and likes long walks on the beach, sunsets, holding hands, and fruity drinks. But don't let the soft exterior fool you kids, inside he's a jet-flyin scooby-drivin hard-assed son of a gun! (n.b. his father is not actually a firearm)

But really, all joking aside... Dave can't retaliate until Wednesday night at the earliest... this is our chance to make fun of him with impunity until then! If only my damn name wasn't attached to this post he'd never be the wiser!

-J.

S words for 800

2006-01-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

This is my first post, so I won't slander anyone more than they deserve. Also, Dave is on survival until Wednesday so he can't retaliate right away. Just figured I'd say hi to Jack.

Hi Jack.

And also to Dave. Who shall henceforth be referred to as the Running Man.

. That'll do pig, that'll do.

Chris

how the URL came to be...

2006-01-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

So there we were, deciding to create a blog-type-forum in which we can make fun of each other and allow other people to revel in the insanity that traditionally had been confined to the dark corners of a Tim Hortons late at night. Naming the Blog was easy, but then we had to create the URL.... Who's name should go first?
There was a massive power struggle at first, clearly with Me overpowering (and outweighing) Dave and Chris combined, but Chris being so damn wiry (pronounced wierrrrry) and Dave being really good at running away this soon became a futile battle. I suggested combat on the ancient field of battle known as a squash court, but then Dave tried to make me promise to only use my left hand and Chris kept trying to swing it like a Kendo stick. Once again we were at a stalemate.
After eons of titanic struggle, we finally came to an acceptable compromise.

Basically..... it's in alphabetical order.

So yeah, welcome to yet another rambling Blog... a place where we shall endeavour to enlighten and frighten you, educate and confuse, pique your interest and disgust you, likely all in the same post.

Cheers!

-J.